I need help removing her.
WHY DID I DRINK ALL THE INGREDIENTS FOR VOMIT?!
i couldnt tell she was wearing a bumpit until she started giving me head
did you seriously make the punch out of vodka and food coloring
I shouldn't have to thank you for taking off your captain hat off before we had sex
I think that's the first time I've heard someone say "this is the safest way of doing things" while holding half a gallon of jagermeister
I seriously think my heart may fail. And I didn't even grab a toilet beer :(
doing an easter egg hunt in a liquor store right now. i feel so adult
We watched game of thrones, broke up and I drove away blasting ridin solo while he dougied
Did I fall on/off the boat yesterday? Cuz my right leg looks and feels like if it got hit by shrapnel.
Now I have to set an alarm for less than 6 hours from now to wake her up, get her showered and get her to her first day of tutoring a kid from her church. WTF is my life?
Dude for real though, we gotta stop getting hammered and kissing gay guys.
ok NEVER tell the strippers its your birthday. i think i have to burn these clothes and take a bath in bleach
His mom said he was in the ER and asked for prayers and positive thoughts. Apparently, me wishing the clap on him is not what she had in mind.
Last time I was blackout at Cowbells I was running around screaming “WHERES THE BLOOOWWWW”
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