Screwed.edu
It's like I'm the Little Bo Peep of sheparding dicks.
Only someone with your twisted mind could come up with that simile. Do you sit around and read 'How to turn Beloved Childrens Stories into Sexual Analogies?' This is the 3rd time you've done this.
a dead guy is trying to sell me oxy clean on my tv
Ways to know you did something wrong: you sugar-coated it for your therapist.
It feels like I shit a light bulb that shattered on the way out.
doctor said mango vodka does not count as my daily servings of fruit. damn.
the bouncer made me realize that puking in line does not get you in any faster
My vagina supports interfraternal relations
THIS IS THE EMERGENCY BOOZE SYSTEM. I AM EN ROUTE TO DEWITT WITH A FIFTH OF TEQUILA. THIS IS NOT A TEST
I puked on myself in front of a customer. all. over. myself. thanks Saturday nights
I should probably stop opening conversations with 'guess who's horny'.
Just keep in mind that she didn't start telling you you had the largest penis she had ever seen until AFTER she found out about your multi-million-dollar trust fund.
Waking up drunk is great, waking up drunk and hanging with your mom is even better.
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
FYI - Don’t go in the downstairs bathroom. Ryan is passed out naked on the floor with a raging hard on.
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