Me hooking up with her is like rush being president. Bad news.
alex threw up in my bong. i'm going to call it a night.
What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?
hows the new call of duty?
I only had sex with the game case so far, but that part was awesome.
I'm wearing the bright blue sombrero all through the airport as a sign of triumph that I survived spring break. I'm getting compliments
sometimes i think what itd be like to be a firework
I took both his daughters virginities. There's no way he won't give me a job
this girl is like a spa retreat for my dick
People dont know what to do when a naked fat guy is running towards them. they panic
I'll be there in spirit. Right there in your vagina.
When Vanessa's kindergarten teacher called me in because she was caught with her hand down some boys pants in the bathroom, I knew you babysat last week.
It is officially Christmas time in Chicago. There's a drunk hobo on the CTA singing the first 2 lines of Frosty the Snowman over and over and over.
Good morning! Just thought I'd give you my yearly reminder that we lost our virginities 7 years ago, yesterday.
That's the best creepy text ever.
it's pizza time hurry your sexcapades
I've done dumber things than this for flimsier reasons. Come with. If I pull it off I need a witness, and if I fail I need an escape plan.
Randomize
