We made it safely. Thanks for the call though.
Great. Don't do shady things like that ok?
But he was like 75 and lives right near mom and dad. Not a threat at all.
So I have exactly 420 dollars saved up in tips from the past week. I win, and I take that as a sign from god that I am allowed to use that money to buy drugs.
you know he's having a sex change. I can't believe you called him "titty man" to his face....
I just showed my boobs to our astate representative hahahahahahha
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I watched her choke out a bouncer with the broken strap from her purse, I think shes the one.
I'm doing laundry in pjs and heels, home alone with my margarita bucket.
Your job is getting in the way of our day drinking. Shots on the hour are not as cool alone.
Standards? I'm sitting on his couch eating microwaved ramen wearing his wife's t-shirt. I don't remember what having standards even feels like.
ALso, saw an adorable man walking an adorable dog with his adorable kid.
And yes, that last sentence is biased because my ovaries started screaming
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I have the relationship skills of Miley Cyrus and I could've said this was a bad idea
I wish more of my problems were easily solvable by taking a good long shit.
stop falling asleep in the bathtub. you are not a movie star, you cannot die that way.
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
Like honey no, I’m getting groceries while pretending that having sexy talk with you is turning me on
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