Turns out drinking large amounts of Gentleman Jack does NOT turn you into a Gentleman -- quite the opposite actually.
this party is like a fast-foward into the future when im 40 and married with children
if you really think there are plastic pots safe for the stove i fear for your future landlords.
You're barking up the wrong lesbian.
i'm using salt from the free peanuts to stop the bleeding.
wanna tell me why theres a glass of water stuffed with tamptons in the freezer?
Drunk puking in my bathtub has plugged it up for the third time this year. I hate these calls to my landlord.
I woke up at 6am to a knock and a naked guy at my window.
Kinda forgot to grab tampons. Mind if I run to my house to get one? I'd rather not turn my green skinny jeans Christmas colors
I swear I can't go out anymore. It's like he put a GPS in my dick. I don't know if I should feel awkward or proud...
I have someone saved in my phone as "This Hoe Ain'tit' Loyal" and I'm missing my superman boxers. Explain.
Fuck you. Leave my nipples out of this. THEY DID NOTHING TO YOU
That's really the only reason I'm dating you, the prospect that I might get bacon
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
after the ketamine those signs on the bathroom door had little meaning to us
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