I just realized that this morning is the first morning i've put on underwear in a week.
I love summer.
I didn't join FB to see my only child straddle that boy in all her pictures.
True Life: I puke at bars and try to catch it in my hand...then walk away like it didn't happen
and my souvenir for the night was a nice ambulance blanket
As you were leaving the bar you grabbed a table and when they stopped you, you said "Its cool i came in with this". They did not believe you.
He says he quit drinking. I'd like to have a moment of silence for losing the best drunken hookup ever. We will build a memorial to his awesome cock.
this may be my drink champagne alone in a bbaby pool in the dark night
She had me dip my balls in cake batter ice cream from cold stone and then tea bag her. Let's get weird just got a whole new meaning.
Sweet. I'm actually coaching my work study into a 4-girl orgy so dinner was kinda important. Yes, I'm the best boss ever.
I don't want to tell anyone! People who sleep with senators either end up in porn or guantanamo
He kept humping my leg and whispering "dont worry, thats my phone not my penis"
i sent my dealer a picture of the money i would pay him. i also told him i would pay him in cheez-its if he would prefer that.
I haven't had a bra on since I quit my job.
It's three am. I'm drunk in a stairwell in Vegas. My flight leaves at six. Help.
LISTEN TO ME! DONDE ESTA LA FUCKING VICODIN!
Randomize
