Lets date for the summer
what?
Dont love me in September.
I found your dream girl. She looked 11 but drove and on her key chain it said "if i am not wasted the day is"
He told me his condom was going to expire tomorrow and he needed to use it. I can't believe I fell for it.
I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
Tell me the dirtiest joke you know
Sarah Palin
god, I love you
just realized i can abbreviate thomas paine as t pain in poli theory class notes....YES
the boy next to me on the plane handed me a shot glass, then a perkaset, and told me to have a good week off..hellllo spring break.
I haven't shaved in at least a week, he said "obviously neither one of us was prepared for this"
Got my bloodwork back and my liver is in tip top shape. Apparently blacking out 5 nights a week isn't cutting it, so we've got to step it up until I see that all of my hard work is actually paying off and doing some damage.
So I have to masturbate in a hospital. I wonder what kind of porn they have.
Now that mom and dad sold the camper, do you think it's okay to talk about all the sex I had in it?
Why is no one on Snapchat tonight? I want to see other people having fun so I know it still exists.
Does this cleavage amount say, “Fuck it, I’m over dating, let’s just fuck?”
Let's just grow old together and be the crazy ladies that sit on the park bench, drinking booze from flasks and loudly talk about people who walk by.
Randomize
