Also, i'm pretty sure i've had my birth control pill stuck in my throat since like...two pm. So i'll be practicing safe oral sex tonight.
then we talked for a little and he asked my last name which since I have yet to get a fb request I'm 95% sure its for a restraining order
I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
Tequila shots with cinnamon and orange write it down before I forget
I found the perfect eye liner, it passed the blow job test, no smudging!!
Remind me to call McDonald's to give a good review of Ruth. She truly demonstrated grace under pressure.
I accidentally KO'd a baby in the airport. Thought you should know.
Bro, did you watch that scooby doo porn I sent to you?
He fucked me so hard my nail polish actually chipped. I'm keeping him.
Don't remember our skype call last night too well, but did I pee while skyping you?
WHEN YOU HAVE SEX WITH A GUY FROM A DIFFERENT COUNTRY YOURE SUPPOSED TO NEVER SEE THEM AGAIN
Not at all! I'll let your potential employer know you have a huge dick
Come over so I can fuck you louder than her country music
....I just did my boss
I love you. And I will hold your hand as we skip on the road to hell.
Just got my second shot
Baller. We’re going to be knee deep in strippers and coke in 10 days
Randomize
