New high or new low? Cat walked into the bathroom while I was taking a #2, looked @ me, sneezed and walked out..
Why are we friends again?
I don't think anyone has ever said "boy I'm glad I took those shots of everclear" when they wake up
Well he paid for dinner, so I paid for the Plan B, but the parking ticket I got is totally his responsibility.
He asked if I was on the pill, apparently I just downed my glass of beer and winked at him...
Tostitos Scoops as shot glasses. Eat for chaser.
he met me at the airport with a welcome home sign with a grilled cheese, PBR and a blow job on it. i missed america.
apparently i told her i wouldn't press charges if she brought me food.
just got hammed at grandma and grampas 30th aniversary bash .. from the looks i was getting im guessing i wont be seeing an inheritance ...
Did you make me take pictures of your ass last night because you fucked on some wet paint or did i dream that?
I'm so hungover I literally am considering drinking from the fishtank to avoid getting out of bed.
I got laughed at by a homeless guy in a Daniel Boone hat. I have no clue what this means for my day
You went down on Rachel in front me last night. Worst. Brother. Ever.
I have vodka soaked strawberries. My latest tarot card reading hinted at a lesbian/bisexual coming out. I doubt I survive the night.
Seeking encouragement from my tinder matches to ace this test. I've sunk to a newest low.
Wow you are like a taller more attractive sex Yoda.
Randomize
