I want to have your abortion
I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
I love girls that fake tan. Can you say p p p p p p p p pumpkin face
Truelife: I made out with my ex-boyfriend's girlfriend this weekend. Thank you Captain Morgan...
Was she wearing cherry chapstick??
No. Life's not always a fairytale.....
coulda been worse. everyone in the drunk tank got free mcdonalds breakfast
I just want you to know IcyHot in the ear is weird. Don't ask.
he seriously made his penis a facebook.
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
That's true. There's really no bad time to take a Vicodin.
It is the Reeses peanut butter cup of pharmaceuticals.
He stopped in the middle of us having sex and asked "is today Monday?" then went even faster
You were saying you didn't want to go home and insisted that I drop you guys off at your uncles. That's how you ended up sleeping on a porch with two dudes
Okay let's look at your past accomplishments you've done hungover... Sat great score, academic decathlon, state for track. I think you are solid to go out tonight
I understand why animals eat their young in the wild after watching your kid this afternoon
He doesn't have an existential crisis after we have really violent sex now which is nice
I made the antidote to the nasty cognac. I AM THE GOD OF MIXED DRINKS.
Randomize
