Apparently mediocre decisions were made last night. I woke up alone in my own bed with my fridge defrosted.
And I didn't go to bed alone. I am buckets of fail.
I can actually hear my brain cells scream as they die when she speaks.
is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
Random fact of the day: cum is a really good eye makeup remover
Just took my pill on time for two days in a row. I deserve a prize.
Not having phil's child is good enough.
Well, I can't relate. I have no idea what it feels like to withhold sex. Or have self-control in general.
The guy is drinking 5 bottles of beer in a juice pitcher. Fucking amazing.
THIS NIGHT WILL NOT GO DICKLESS
I'm hungover as hell. I'm dying. I have no skin left on my knees
I'm drunk, we're losing, and I'm in the visitors stands. This is about to get ugly.
my dad pointed to my full beer and said drink up we're leaving now.
can you adopt me?
I won the 'drunkest person at a family event' award tonight.
Should I be concerned that he called me mom when I got in bed on top of him?
It’s a hundred kinds of wrong to do Jell-O shots at home alone. Right?
I support drinking alone. But Jell-O shots. That’s a game changer.
He asked me to describe my life outside work. I responded with "Home-wrecker.
Randomize
