I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
I swear, if I find out you're lying, I'm going to put your name on one of those herpes watch websites and put the link up on every social networking site in existence.
have you ever noticed that homeless people never have acne. suck it proactive
there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
Looks like I will be paying for the roofie I slipped myself in 9 months.
Can the rest of this semester just go by as a montage?
You said that about some fat chick sitting on the base of a lamp post and puking. Downright heroic.
I found him down the block clinging to a light post laughing and crying because a house "looked like it had buck teeth"
I can not say for certain that I did not blow someone in the bathroom at the bar at some point.
Hooked up with an ex Playgirl model. I feel like the universe just high-fived me for staying sober.
My cousin is passed out in my room, so I just masturbated in my walk-in closet. Apparently I get off on danger. Make note of that.
Monday funday. I brushed my teeth with antibacterial soap. hangover I did not have.
once he tried to wake me up from my hangover nap to have sex, that's when things went downhill. he had to go.
My "lord keep me from stabbing a bitch" prayer has gotten a lot of miles today
I think I just found my soul mate...he's wearing a zebra striped onesie and is into Michael Jackson...I'll explain in the morning.
Randomize
