Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
Okay you totally passed out. Ask me about the bike parking garage and the expired baby formula in the morning.
I shagged another guy with one ball last night. Are there really that many dudes with one nut in la or am I just a magnet for prostetic testes?
decided to have an easter egg hunt this year. the golden egg has weed in it and all the others have shots of vodka. who said we were too old for easter?!?
We need to stop sleeping with people based on which NFL team they like.
The neighborhood kids rang the doorbell in the middle of my first bong rip to ask if they could use my trampoline for the thirtieth time today...I opened the door and pretended to puke up a shitload of smoke, I have never seen a more terrified group of children
i just shaved my vag. i figure it gave me about ten more minutes to drink tomorrow.
The weekend is off to a good start: she just got into a verbal fight with a hobo. Nearly a fist fight.
Next time, please cut me off before I'm at the point of pooping in the bathtub again
I told my boss that I'm in a slutty stage of my life right now and the chef overheard and slipped me his number. I might get laid tonight
I don't think "growing medical marijuana" is Quite what my Grandfather had in mind when he thought me about gardening as a child
Just had an orgasim to the Star Spangled Banner so.. it was all worth it.
So nothing to worry about, but i'm probly going to jail soon, just thought i should let you know so you didn't worry. Bye!
if anyone breaks out the olive oil & slip n slide, text me 911.
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