Charged a drink to your name last night. Thanks for the whiskey
ok, im coming! i just found some lemon square in my bangs, washing that out..this shit is all over me! was i in a pie eating contest?
yes
did i win? did you like my outfit? or should i change, if you were horny would you bang me?
They left shortly after you claimed the dirty rug as your mattress and began alternating between singing "Dayman" and "Nightman"
about to play the homeward bound drinking game. alone. what are you doing tonight?
i need to know the scientific term for a guy's taint so i can explain what i did last night.
my credit card is covered in vodka and bad memories
Im at the zoo right now high out of my mind and feel as if the animals are watching me and Im the one in a cage.
Only she could turn her genital wart appointment into a date night.
Dude I think my special talent is falling in drunkenly falling in front of a cop and getting away. This is the second time.
Plans for halloween need to outrank Caesar, Cleopatra and Mark Antony's threesome...just saying
Dude..this is the third year in a row me and him have fucked at a super bowl party..does that count as a tradition?
I would rather burn my vagina off with a damn flame thrower before I would touch anything that has touched her skank ass.
Haha he was not a poor little guy. If he'd talked to me or something I might feel bad. But since I saw him groping other girls as well as myself there's no sympathy coming from me
He's just picking out the right girl. I do the same thing with fruit. Grope them, squeeze them, smell them. I have to know I'm getting quality fruit.
So apparently I initiate sex in my sleep
It's okay I didn't send any nudes tonight so we are safe *inserts photo of a baseball umpire doing the safe signal*
Randomize
