theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
k, so I just picked a four leaf clover, then saw my dads penis. Lucky? I think not.
I told her I was horny and she said to forget it because she has vagina drama.
WHAT IN THE HELL IS VAGINA DRAMA?!
Today was the day I stopped kidding myself and started buying the handle of vodka.
I can count the number of hours she's been sober this weekend on one hand.
Considering the last guy I had sex with was gay, this was a huge improvement.
Do you think they make a "sorry in my drunken debauchery I dropped a pumpkin off the balcony and you happened to be standing right there/get well soon" card?
I had to warn the neighbors
Warn them about what?! It's noon
"Pay no attention to me if at random points of the day I'm outside with kitty cat ears on" I'm a mess...
I have discovered my latent superpower. If a friend is dating a bi chick they will inevitably try and talk me into a threesome.
I'm sorry I peed on the bushes at your law firm. Is there anyway you could defend me for the ticket I'm about to get?
You know I love you. I just don't love your penis.
There was a slutty maid costume on the floor when I woke up, but the house was trashed. Either she's been fired or got promoted, I'm not sure which.
I just had a dream that I was fighting Donald Trump... Gotta stop watching the news before bed
You lost to your mom AND grandma in beer pong last night. pretty sure that constitutes a retirement from the sport
Is that your Nuva ring on the floor? Shit must have gotten crazy
Randomize
