Somehow ended up at a stranger's bridal shower. Everyone else is already drunk.
I spent an hour trying to convert bar outfits to church outfits. Its hard.
I hope the doctor doesnt lift up and my shirt and listen to my lungs. I dont want to explain why I have rug burns on my back.
I have not carelessly put myself in herpes way since I got a clean bill of health tyvm.
That's the second time in a week someone has called me to talk drunk you into getting up off the floor. This needs to stop.
You challenged yourself to walk backwards all the way to the bar... And you did
So I got hit in the face with a frying pan. So def wont be at work for first break if I'm there at all
Just FYI....you totally yelled out Royals while we were having sex last night lol.
If you can handle my post-party look you da real MVP
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
I wanted to waterboard myself with beer, but no one would give me their shirt to do it.
ya I went to the grocery store literally just for cheese and condoms
I told my mom that I was just gonna go check the mail. It's been 19 hours, and I woke up in a hot tub covered in chocolate, with a text from her sayin "have fun sweetie"
This toilet bowl is my home.
Spencer just told me I got home and was opening beers with my teeth and trying to make pot butter
Randomize
