I found the orange juice, it was hiding in the vodka...trickster.
I have to start avoiding pregnant women. This is getting out of hand.
I have a deodorant stick dedicated to my balls.
like if they didnt have tits and vagina, they have no idea how uninteresting to us they would be
Have you ever made a sandwich from swedish fish and tortilla chips?
I sent him a pic of my tits.. All he said was, "oh your sun burn"
2011 senior yearbook drinking game. we're taking a shot whenever some dumbass uses that quote about how life isn't isn't about the breaths you take, but the moments that take your breath away. also that retarded wayne gretzky one about missing shots you don't take.
Close your eyes and stop texting and think about puppies. You'll be fine.
It looks like someone bombed the living room with his and your clothes, bra, packing peanuts, nerf gun and ammo, rc helicopter, leftover chinese food and a leather paddle.
how many thumbs am i supposed to have at one time
you found the shrooms didnt you
you're expensive. Idk about all this. What happened to free make outs?
Sobriety and mild self-respect
The trash can in my living room is full of Popsicle sticks and my vibrator has taken up permanent residence on my coffee table. I'm not doing anything productive. Clearly.
I wrote myself a note last night telling me to tell you that you're the best person ever, and asking you not to tell me what I did, I think I'm trusting my drunk judgment on that one.
When we sit on the couch watching TV, she always cups her hand around my balls. Not sure if it's a sign of affection or a "power play" to remind me just how vulnerable I am if she chooses to make an aggressive squeeze.
We were playing fuck marry kill and he was eavesdropping so I said I would fuck him
It was like catching dick in a barrel
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