Thank you for leaving pool of vagina on my girlfriends carpet.
just saw a guy try to order booze in his coffee at 8 am.
Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
Just took my morning after pill in the library
Her facebook status is 'PERCS ON DECKKK~' which is probably why she still lives with her parents.
i just got cockblocked by a guy drinking wine straight out of the bottle with a straw...
Your ass just called me, someone was yelling "awful waffle" and also, " I don't know who's hands are who's anymore"
i just wanna lock my vagina in a safe filled with bandaids and healthy things
We ate a mysterious delivered pizza which no one ordered and then the wii wouldn't work so 20 of us watched porn on two laptops. Drunk took the awkward away.
Dude. I have so much pot that i only worry about running out of lighters
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
I want to buy weed from this guy on Tinder but I'm not sure I should trust him...but it's free delivery
If I call him daddy should I get him a father's day card? Serious question
as i was trying not to drunkingly fall off her toliet, i noticed her socks laying there. i quickly grabbed them, ran upstairs, and excitingly asked her if she had gotten them at sams club. she replied with, "...those are your socks."
Is constant horniness a medical condition? Because a husband, a boyfriend and an office side piece should be enough penis for one girl - but they’re not :-(
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