respond to me or i'm telling everyone that you inserted a vodka soaked tampon into your anus
God dammit, you have a cape and I don't even have a fucking jacket.
When i asked him what happened all he said was, the toucan... the toucan... over and over again.
would it be subtle enough if I played birthday sex on repeat while I may or may not be stripping?
I remember coming home with a cat... I havent seen it all day. Shit.
Its official. I've reentered slutty territory. I was a condom away from having sex in a childs playhouse at a park. Oh and I lost my car keys.
We're going to catch a squirrel this summer
GETTING HORNY AT RANDOM IS REALLY FUCKING INCONSIDERATE.
I just used Bacardi to dry out poison ivy.
Like what? And no, shrooms cannot be party favors.
I'm now using my vagina for good, not evil. Trying to restore balance to the force.
Currently having to re-watch episodes of Lost that I've only partially seen because you distracted me with your vagina
Don't come back. They don't have pants.
Oh god.
God has nothing to do with this.
I woke up next to my bosses toilet.i wish you had just left me in the neighbors yard.
I'm going to go ahead and refrain from sexting you in an airport that is currently at a "level orange" security threat.
Randomize
