After I just paid $211 for my hair to be dyed and cut this guy at the bar said "I know you died your hair with koolaid, but I'd still fuck the shit out of you"
me and my mom are sitting in the bank parking lot drying my beer soaked check with the heat... the whole car smells like heinekin and I'm trying to convince her I don't need a.a.
I bought this skirt with every intention to have it wrapped around my tits by the end of the night. So, I'm not a whore. I'm a self-fulfilling prophecy.
She's currently celebrating her completion of "Sober October" with "Margarita Shit-Show November."
I'm like a walking PSA for tequila shots
She got drunk on the air plane and pretended to be an elephant for an hour...Atleast the kid behind us enjoyed it.
Also CANADIAN LIPS TASTE OF MAPLE SYRUP AND APOLOGIES. SORRY.
I stopped hooking up with him and ran to the bathroom to throw up. He saw me throwing up and it made him throw up
I can't believe i just offerred a guy a burrito and head, and got turned down. Officially celibate now.
There's lube and condom packets all over the street we missed something awesome.
she grabed my junk and started making lightsaber noises
I wonder if you could get her in a metal bikini
So the next time I search for "Dragon Dildo" on my phone, I should probably clear the browser before handing my phone to someone and that's the first thing they see haha
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
I wore my old cheerleading uniform.. He came before I even touched his dick. Should I be irritated, or flattered?
Wait... where the hell did you even find a live OCTOPUS, let alone green eggs and ham?
Randomize
