just puked in a purse in the store. some girl asked if i was gonna buy it now and i laughed and asked her why id want a bag some dude just puked in. her face looked like she saw the devil.
stumble upon led me to how to make wine in prison, followed by wedding dresses. it knows my life too well
I am drinking at a movie theater seeing a children's movie, 2nd time this week
i always knew that i'd have sex in your room, i just assumed it would be with you
I put a toilet paper roll with my number on it by his face... hooking up is not happening
The fact that every guy you've slept with since you've lost virginty either have the same first or last name isn't normal.
I owe you cheese. The drunk munchies don't acknowledge food ownership.
They have some sort of agreement that they can sleep with other people if it helps then achieve their goal, or something like that
How awkward
Yeah it's pretty fucked up
I feel like on the last day of finals we should run around campus dressed like Moses screaming "LET MY PEOPLE GO!!!!"
I'll start the recruiting
Btw, remind me to tell you about how I had to cancel my crazy wild sex plans with Will b/c my roommate came back from his trip after a day b/c Canada wouldn't let him in. Fucking cockblock.
Actually that's the whole story. You don't have to remind me.
Honestly, the only reason I've been productive today was because I ended up organizing my apartment while searching for my vibratory charger.
Let's just say that I took off my pants and I had superman boxers on. Then she took off her pants and she had batman panties on. I think she's the one!
So the next time I search for "Dragon Dildo" on my phone, I should probably clear the browser before handing my phone to someone and that's the first thing they see haha
He said when the pizza came I zip locked one slice and went to the couch and snuggled with it. Does that give you an idea of how my night was?
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
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