So, how was the dinner
Just like the ex wife, cold, fatty, and expensive.
Changed my sheets. Found a can of rockstar, crushed bag of tostitos, used tissues, and enough of both of our clothes to make a whole outfit.
everybody makes mistakes
i didn't know they allowed you to text in ambulances
The last thing I remember is funneling tequila out of a pink noodle.
according to the woman who took my blood today, i have "party veins"
His 21st birthday is in the middle of shark week, it's meant to be.
You know being hammered seven days in a row can do serious damage to your liver.
Text me on Monday and make sure I'm still alive
I mean, unless you wanna just let me lie there while you fuck me and pour water into my mouth
A dude I dated in high school just put a status about National Coming Out day. I checked his relationship status. He is dating a dude. Hello, Friday.
there was a keg and pinata at my uncles funeral, and a bunch of scary looking biker dudes showed up to pay their respects. i need to strive to be more like him.
There was a point where you were singing "Friends in Low Places" to yourself while Juicy J was playing so I got worried.
If you think eating a bowl of leftover stuffing and drinking champagne from the bottle in dirty sweats at 9am is sexy... Then yeah, I'm your girl.
I bought a box of wine on my way home. I figured if I’m going to be broke during the holidays, I might as well be able to drink about it.
He sent me a dick pic from a port-o-potty in Boston. If that's not love Idk what is.
You asked me if I ever met a talking rock and when I said no, you looked me dead in the eye and said today was my lucky day then you crawled into a ball and started talking...that high.
My apartment stinks of burning failure
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