Facials are how you say "I love you" in porn star.
She stopped mid-blowjob to introduce herself to us
Found out that it IS actually possible to get road head from somebody in the back seat
He kept trying to order 'sex on the tennis courts' for a drink last night
He asked me where I wanted it. I told him in the condom. He stops mid thrust and says "you're no fun" and then blew. Chivalry is semi dead.
I woke up and found a doughnut on our front porch. It's not sketchy though. More like a gift from the gods.
They were so big her bra clasped in the front. Didn't even know those existed.
Also the fuck cup must be buried with me
You have no idea I looked like the porno version of Laura Ingalls Wilder
No one will ever find true happiness until they have gotten stoned and taken off the bra they've been wearing all day.
You, my dear friend, are a poet of the deep mental longings of women worldwide.
He sent me a selfie with his cat. He has found a way to my heart. And pants.
I found more straws in my beard this morning. Please stop doing that.
Our office went out together for the first time to celebrate the fact our coworker got fired.
Drunk me left sober me a shower beer in expectation of Hurricane Harvey. Drunk me is the best.
Would it be inappropriate to meet you at the airport after your family vacation so I can tell you all about the amazing sex I have been having?
Randomize
