I think I just saw someone hide a body.
he kept farting in my kitchen and blaming it on the dog. then we went to wendy's and he spent twenty minutes in the bathroom. im pretty sure he shit his pants.
you should have known when you found out he drove a mini cooper not to hang out with him.
So the next morning, she had to tell her kids we were moving furniture around all night.
I fucked a 6'7 Danish man. In the ocean. At 5am. Greetings from Florida!
Also, we accidentally donated a bong to goodwill
Sorry, but you probably shouldn't come over. I'm too sober for this.
Stop inviting me to your birth control calender reminders...my job is to test its effectiveness, not know its schedule
Lmao sorry
I had very briefly met him a few years ago. My friend was tired of hearing us both complain about being horny. She figured she would fuck two birds with one stone.
That unicorn pillow pet really made sleeping with my head in the toilet a little better.
I had a dream I gave a blow job to a guy whose dick forked off into two. I'm going to spend the rest of my life confused.
I'm surprised I don't have a permanent face imprint between my boobs.
I might attempt to pee into a cup while driving. I'll let you know how it goes.
If you saw or spoke to me yesterday can you message me. Trying to make a timeline of the day I was too drunk to remember
Damn Instagram explore page. I am six months in to some girl I don't even know.
I stared at his dick and then told him to get on his knees
Randomize
