Being alone has allowed me to flourish into a complete weirdo
Are you missing anything? I found a wedding ring in my bed this morning.....
Mowing drunk should be an olympic sport...
at what point did you think saran wrap was a better alternative to shoes?
I just threw up every bad decision and it hurts
I am going to dream of scrotums tonight, I just know it.
I'll pick you up. Avoid slightly awkward no-we're-not-dating-but-I'm-still-screwing-your-son-after-2-years parental run-ins.
You kept saying we got to find the end of the rainbow, which turned out to be a box of lucky charms and Guinness in the bag of cereal
A big toe in my vag is not foreplay.
The last thing I searched on my phone was "leave in conditioner on cats." This is where my life is.
Did I leave the house with out a shirt or socks?
Yea, you said you didn't need them cause she was going to take them off anyways and that it would "save time".
You told her you double majored in Geology and Telekinesis. When has that line ever worked for you?
Have you had sex with a man from New Zealand? No? Then your input is invalid.
He yelled "Go Ducks" while he came
He noticed my new Lipstick so later tonight it's going to be on his dick.
Randomize
