Guys who wear capris make me want to kill endangered species.
You're the 8th person from last night to text me this morning and ask if I'm ok.
She told me she was selfish for not giving me a blowjob... I couldn't agree more.
We met at my place after separate parties but the condom wrapper was red with hearts and said love. Does that count as a romantic date?
We're sending your burrito through the mail slot.
i'm having the hardest time convincing my roommates to go dumpster diving for pizza with me. i really miss you..
You insisted on calling your mixture of Bacardi & powdered milk "a Jamacian Facial."
I drunken agreed to go wedding dress shopping with a stranger at the bar yesterday. She sent me an email asking what days I am free.
You told the guy in Wawa you needed his hoagie for "a scavenger hunt" and then called him a "fuckstained Muggle" when he didn't give it to you. You are a delight.
Passing out drunk in my therapists lobby may not be the best way to confirm my "stability"
He gave me an extra phone charger for the other side of the bed the other night. Is that love?
Drunk level: ugly crying in the bar upon discovery of sweet tarts and not smarties.
She drank my rum. I had sex in her bed and didn't wash the sheets. We're even.
Do you remember seeing anyone put a "my other penis is a vagina" bumper sticker on my car?
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
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