So, just so you know... Your vasectomy worked.
bonus
you need to not memorize your credit card number for drunk pizza
everyone knows he gets back in a week and after that i'm not sleeping around anymore. it's like i have a expiration date.
i told her she would have to blow me everytime we lost a game of beer pong, she never noticed i purposely hit our opponents in the face every other shot
Where is my rescue team. I keep hiding shit. And I'm trying to give out shots of olive oil
You threw up with your ski mask on still.
i'm scootering my little heart out so i'm not late for a weed pickup. this is the meaning of adolescence
He's trying to marry me, when is the appropriate time to tell him my real name and that Dallas is a completely fictitious slutty alter ego? I need the advice of someone with morals.
Like wrapping my dick in silk, wrapping that in velvet, and putting it in a cloud. A warm, tight, wet cloud.
Ur wingman ability is causing serious doubt
Ok first off its WAY easier if you are actually here
He started making out with my boobs. I didn't know whether to be proud of my boobs or ashamed of my mouth.
I made it to work. Still drunk. Definitely pregnant.
Still riding the magical train of drugs so, yeah, Id say I feel great
don't worry dude i have your phone, text me when youre gonna come get it
You think you can just send me a picture of your dick and everything will be ok?
Yep.
Randomize
