fyi, i just bought my first strap-on. the little mermaid theme song was playing in the background.
maybe you should start leaving anonymous bottles of booze on his doorstep with love notes attatched. that always gets me.
im flying all the way to minnesota to see him for four days... cutest-best-friend-reunion or most-epic-booty-call-ever?
who says it cant be both...
Like if I don't roll around in my puke, the night will be a failure.
I feel like now would be a good time to apologize for vomiting in your eye
Oh god I think I promised some guy from high school that I'd be his fuck buddy in like 3 months
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
Are you complaining because you're getting too much sex to find the time to masturbate?
Well, when you say it like that it sounds silly.
Drinking vodka and pirating music in the library. Welcome to finals week.
You are so lucky you didn't go back to Tate's house. They decided to figure out who had the biggest balls... I was the judge
There should be a rule.......that if you have a small penis you must wear a hat with propellers on it so you can fly the hell off the planet.
He has an accent when he types. I can *hear* the schnitzel. Especially when he's drunk.
You came out of your room naked under your open robe with a mouth full of brownie on a stick and grabbed a fistful of fruit loops and shoved them into your already full mouth.
I LACK THE NECESSARY BRAIN FUNCTIONS TO BE ABLE TO PROPERLY RESPOND TO THAT
ATTENTION: just found out of have strep. if we have had sex in the past week, might wanna go to the doctor. if you plan to have sex with me in the next 20 days go buy some condoms. stupid antibiotics.
Randomize
