I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
try this...when you orgasm scream his address including city state and zip...
I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
woman puking in liquor store parking lot at 9:30 on a tuesday morning = best commute ever.
I wonder what my nutrition professor is going to think when I have to put 21 keystone lights, a bottle of merlot wine, and 5 rum and cokes and 4 shots of tequila on my dietary analysis
you went all the way to UK and still managed to hook up with someone from our highschool...
You had us pull over so you could pee, you proceeded to pee in some random persons front yard while yelling "im not ashamed"
i got her number while she was sitting next to her boyfriend. her actual number. i might be a superhero
Note to self: last nights makeup does NOT, under ANY circumstances, look good today.
whiskey
stop
tequila
you're fuckin up my ability to be a agrown up
I'll give you $10 to get a dick pic with a gecko on it.
Alright if I email the police department asking for my mug shot do you think they will email it to me
My roommate just threatened to kill me with my own pan. Can I ever get away from the crazies?!
I'm pretty sure the rest of my evening will consist of masturbating, drinking tequila and watching children's movies.
Stop fucking Sharon's exes.
Sorry it took me so long to reply. I was fucking Sharon's ex.
Randomize
