You stuck the head of a rubber chicken you found in her house up your ass and then started running around her living room. Naked.
She was Ugg boots AND a Bumpit. Of course I didn't sleep with her.
the cops didnt even say happy birthday to me :(
I need a hobby that doesnt involve alcohol and my tv
Are we responsible for the snowmen doing it doggy-style in my front yard?
When they arrested me, they gave me a bracelet with my mugshot and info. When you get one they can be our BFF Bracelets.
We fucked to techno music while he wore shin guards... best sex ever.
I dont think that yelling at the medic "Christmas is gone, fuck off santa" was the best idea when you couldnt feel your legs.
At the drs she looked at my back saw your scratch marks and asked "does your back itch a lot?"
You told me that you were as fast as lightning and you wanted to race me. Then you faceplanted after falling down the stairs.
Please tell me you're not playing strip poker with your cousins again
You literally chaperoned my booty call.
Oh hello Jordan's parents, I'm here to have sex with your son. He's in the shower? Oh great, I'll join him
i told you i was taking the Metra Train, and you asked what type of drug that was.. so yes i believe you when you say you were fucked up
THERE ARE NO EMOJIS TO SHOW MY SEXUAL FRUSTRATION
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