Add "its too hot" to reasons why I don't get fucked anymore
When you gave me the first bj i thought 'yep, this girl is going to do great things with her life'
Yes someone did see you carrying a beer bong on the side of coastal highway
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
you sat in the middle of your kitchen floor feeding your dog blueberries one by one
Odd question. Did you find a 20 in your boxers? I need it for gas.
Kate gave me a 3 day old cup of tequila last night and forced me to chug it. P.s. i drew u a picture
Vaguely remember? You pushed George and two other fellas out the way to hug me, screamed gandalf before chugging your beer and smashing the bottle on the floor. I lolled.
Where are you in relation to the mariatchi band?
Question. There's no better feeling than clean shaven balls. Do girls get that too?
Just FYI....you totally yelled out Royals while we were having sex last night lol.
Forever getting my life back together in gas station bathrooms.
DONT TELL ME I CANT HAVE AN ENTIRE BOTTLE OF VODKA AT DINNER. IM AN ADULT. I PAY BILLS.
I came so hard my ears popped.
Tell me you're alive little brother. And please tell me you didn't get arrested. You made no fucking sense last night in your random texts and pictures you were sending me.
Randomize
