His vagina is bleeding blood all over the court
I was 10 minutes late leaving for lunch today because I couldn't lose a boner. It is impossible to tuck it when your shirt is tucked in...gotta quit facebook stalking hot chicks at work
Remind me to tell you the Scottish bar story tomorrow
Remind me to tell you it was a shitty story when you're done telling it tomorrow
Too late, the blunt's already in my cleavage
I may still return these pants. Depends how much they smell like alcohol by tmrw morning. I've already spilled once.
Just bought a beer belt to complete the Captain America outfit. I will do my part as a hero of America to pass out beer to the good citizens of America.
Dude, for your own safety, do not bring that chick home. I'm pretty sure you're going to find a marsupial pouch smuggling a fresh batch of herpes under that hoodie. Bail bail bail bail bail.
the question is "speedos?" and the answer is "yes".
We're over by the bouncy castles. I'm the one wearing a baby. Bring Twizzlers.
I have woke up on a strange couch, in a strange house, on another campus. Can you Friend-Find me and pick me up?
How about we just have a naked taco night instead?
Bacardi 151 is like a past nightmare I'm still curious about
I've been really sick the past 4 days. Last night, I actually turned down a bj. I may be dying.
Oh my god I need an adult
Wait shit I am an adult
I apparently sent an offer letter to, and then subsequently onboarded, the wrong candidate. How's your Monday?
Randomize
