You feel like going out tonight?
Does a 14yr-old girl look good beat up? I'll bring the handle
Thank you for leaving pool of vagina on my girlfriends carpet.
At any point in time, have you stopped and thought "I wonder how high Willie Nelson is right now?
The man at the Honda dealership told me I smell like vodka and probably shouldn't be driving.
No. untill you have done a puke that contains nothing but semen and tequila, you do not 'feel my pain'
not exactly restoring sanity, but he is throwing up on the national mall right now
my bartender licked my nipple. never stay after hours
Let me just say....i'm sorry about setting your carpet on fire. I had no idea that the paper towel would burn that quickly.
Totally just met the chick getting nailed in our lobby last night. Should I bring it up?
We should bet how many people are going to get alcohol poisoning next weekend and whoever wins gets a free Starbucks.
Bitch looked at my dick and said "I thought they called you horsecock, I'm already disappointed"
I told you that line would get her home never said it was a good idea
Like what did he say to his host family? The girl I causally sleep with on the weekends is coming over?! And they thought "well lets feed her dinner"
Last thing I remember is whiskey shots. My roommate tells me we were there 15min before I decided to run home naked. And we live across from a police station.
We had a quickie at work in the office. He walked out before me, and I fell asleep while waiting a few minutes to walk out. Yeah. He's got that change your life dick
He sent me a meme at 3am. Usually guys just send me booty calls that late. I think I'm in love
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