hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
my sisters under your porch take her home
News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
I am now the proud owner of a 10-12 year old's Optimus Prime costume from Walmart. Tomorrow is going to be a good day.
Does boxed wine and camel crushes signify a college date? Lets hope so
Found a bar with a washer and dryer and they serve food. I never have to leave
is it too much to get a jumbo margarita in a sippy cup right now?
Realized it was likely to be cursed, didn't want my own Johnson magically turning into some sort of fire breathing reptile and eating me
That is an interesting fear as well as image
It's a strange mix of shame and pride every time I pee at the bar and still see my lipstick on the bathroom wall...
You talked the cab driver into taking a shot from your flask at a red light because "Ray Charles would want him to"
Im crossing my legs while on the toilet. It's like I'm unconsciously thinking "if im going to barf and shit at the same time, Im at least going to do it LIKE A LADY"
You gave me the best orgasm of my life. I'm buying you a house
It wasn't until I lost my earring that I realized "I've been here before". Turns out we fucked a year ago. We've decided to make it a tradition.
I would cock slap so many things if I had a cock.
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
Randomize
