i never knew gatorade would taste just as good on the way back up
I just saw a stripper wear a tube top around her floppy gut. God bless Michigan.
You go to school with some of the ugliest girls I've ever seen... How are you not getting laid?
We watched a biography of Frida Kahlo in class today. It was depressing. A chick with a UNIBROW just put my sex life to shame.
So, how do I go about conveying: I'm sorry, yet very glad she is having my abortion. Via text msg?
I started sorting laundry at 6 am. He finally got the hint and left
Like I had no idea he knew how to play girls the way he played me. His major is chemistry for christ's sake.
Apparently 'check out this motherfucker' is not an appropriate greeting to use in the vicinity of sitting united states senators. Who knew
It wasn't so much skinny dipping. It more like skinny walking...through a fountain.
Here's the level of my committment: I'm not participating in the Olympic opening ceremonies drinking game. THIS IS SERIOUS.
I just found out via Facebook that my old dorm room is now the free condom distribution room on campus...IT'S LIKE THE UNIVERSE KNOWS!
We're having Wednesday-night goat-night at the bar.
It's hard to explain...
He's not letting me leave till I cum. I am a hostage to my own vagina
Goddamn right, I may not survive the apocalypse, but my eyebrows fucking will.
Just when I thought we may have our first low-key night together, I sang an Aladdin karaoke song to a bunch of roller derby girls, you took shots with married women, and we both fell asleep in our offices.
Randomize
