Just don't lie down.. Throwing up upwards is NOT cute the second time.
I went to the bathroom like 8 times and each time I looked in the mirror and tried saying "I am sober." I burst out laughing when I got to "so-" every time. If you can't convince yourself, you can't convince anyone else. Fuck it, I'm going upstairs and drinking more.
You make your fellow Jews happy.
He caught a squirrel with his bare hands twice. Where do you find these people?
As i lay in bed, clutching my face, i'm starting to believe your dick in my eye story.
I have had more skin than food in my mouth the last three days
Anything you tell me within three minutes of an orgasm isn't even being recorded in my head.
Like an undercooked grilled cheese that got cold again. But hairy.
And there goes my desire for sandwiches. Forever.
He didn't call me beautiful but he came in less than five minutes so same thing, right?
Man. Apparently I blacked out between the 4th margarita and my air mattress. Asleep in my jeans at 10pm. Mom outdrank me again.
She showed up after 3 hours and proceded to make us all feel like resonable human beings. I dont know how she did it but she did it.
My name will be tattooed on his ass by sunday.
YOUR VAGINA IS SO CUTE IT'S LIKE A LITTLE MACAROON
Jesus fuck. I just hit on him in front of the whole fire department. They hit the sirens and told us to get a room. FML. I can never go back to that fire station again...
She asked what the dent on the hood of my car was from..i think she knows we had sex up there
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
Randomize
