If I remember correctly, I may have been smoking a cigarette on the dance floor. This is the true sign of a douchebag in his native habitat...fmylife
At the bar dressed as a taco. not a typo. Come down.
I knew it was gonna be weird when she opened the condom with scissors
This is working out surprisingly well considering it started out with us using a christmas tree as a battering ram
We're not even buying beer. Just vodka. In pre-retrospect this was a bad idea but we're doing it anyway
Someone just took a shot from my crotch. I should not have to drive home
your bra might or might not be a decoration on me and my roomies xmas tree haha
Has anyone ever told you you're majestic like a sea turtle when you fuck?
And your cock privileges have been revoked.
I just texted him and asked him to keep some in case I need help sealing the deal.
Girl Scout cookies are like roofies for fat chicks.
A guy in a banana suit just got the whole bus to participate in a call and response version of Bohemian Rhapsody. HERO
I have experienced an excessively hairy ballsack in my mouth...and it was horrifying. I keep feeling it in my mouth now. It's like hairy ball PTSD.
Also my face is like def lowkey made of silly putty
This is what we get for finishing a whole box of Franzia by ourselves
And I'm laying here struggling with the notion that I need to put pants on.
Its only once in a life time you get to pick your vcard swiper up from jail
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