Be sure to let me know if your relationship crumbles so I can resume hitting on you
omg! a creepy truck driver just made a frog puppet wave at me!!!
I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life
He's fat, has man boobs, and is uncircumsized. I feel like I won the last woman on earth prize.
He's slept with 25.5 people. Wtf is a half?
i just overheard someone saying that they invented the 'tequila mockingbird' last night. sorry, but i found better friends
I just discovered the Reese's pieces and sourdough bread sandwich. No signs of coming down.
Im in search of the perfect penis, it would be unethical for me not to test run them.
Oh my god. My pre-date bowl for nerves tuned into "I'm too high for this date" he kept talking about trucks and I couldn't stop making racial slurs.
All I remember is lecturing my dog about how she's a lucky bitch to have a structured eating and shitting schedule.
I'm sitting in the breakroom facing a very large sign that says "inappropriate workplace behaviors", and i can't help but feel like it is directed at me
Antibacterial soap and prayers does not for spermicide make
I'm like the big dick whisperer.
That was the best shit ever it was like an exorcism for my colon
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