He told me he had more lines than a plaid shirt
we're doing shots for every degree below freezing it is outside
Right when I walked into the party my boyfriend stood up and yelled, "HEY TITS, GET ME A BEER!"
He has a really nice penis but its like a model that wasn't built to scale
What type of outfit says "I know you slept with my boyfriend before and are also way skinnier than me, but I look better...somehow"
I love you, but you should know I'll always ditch you for weed.
she got kicked out of the bar for shoving german chocolate cake in the bartenders face. we were there less than a minute
He got violent drunk so we have to untie him in the morning. He's in your basement and you're out of electrical tape. Don't forget because I will.
Slept in my car last night. It snowed. I peed on the street. Hello 29...
What wine did you feed Jack? Might not want to waste the good stuff on kitties. Kitties only get box wine.
The only people in the library at 5:00 on the friday after finals are homeless or pre-med.
I started the day with dreams of getting laid and ended it with the reality of eating Taco Bell in my bed with my dog.
Get ready tonight we are going to get drunk and pierce my nipples
what the fuck happend anyway? How did it go from smoothies after work to blacking out?
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
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