i wish swine flu would become a total pandemic so we cld be rid of all the people that are complaining about it
apparently i walked up to the counter, put $30 worth of snacks next to this girl, and went 'uhh i have no money'
at some point when you're making out with the ex girlfriend of your ex fuck buddy who happens to be the ex boyfriend of the girl that you just got drunk with who was hitting on your current fuck buddy who is best friends with your ex boyfriend, it just hits you: oh my god i need to get out more and expand my social circle.
My pussy is not your playground.
Chasing shots by shotgunning beers is not a good idea.
Nothing is more important than the last pool party of the season. Call in sick or gay or something.
Apparently I'm at the point in my life where I can wake up with a dick in my face and then go back to sleep
EVERY guy that's EVER been in my vagina has texted me tonight for a booty call. Narrow it down to the greatest hits or just work in timeline order?
Today's work quote "if I looked like you, I'd be sitting on everyones face"
Man I'll cab it I'll be sloshed by then. There's turtles involved
Apparently I yelled "Spring Break 1984" at a drunk couple fighting on the side of the road.
How'd the date with the redheaded dentist go?
She didn't like my gingervitis joke
We made a pact to go to the nursing home together... that way we could stay high till the bitter end. Do you not remember?
I just had sex on my divorce papers. I've never felt so poetic.
part of it says your brother mayyyy have put his lips on my vagina
Randomize
