Dude, I would hit that so hard that whoever could pull me out would become the king of England
yeh she's definitely getting a ham and plan b omelette in the morning
mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
He got so drunk that he tried hitting on a girl using nothing but his Samuel L. Jackson soundboard application on his Iphone
Just realized I left my heels in their microwave. Whoops.
98% is good enough for me. Kinda like birth control. Worth the risk
I'm not gonna lie; I was dosed with mushrooms and am eating pickles with a guy in all white. It's weird, but I'm down. Help.
my mom was by far the drunkest one there. best impromptu wednesday afternoon party ever
Dick sucking on arrival? or would you like to cash that in later?
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
Woke up pants less in the vacant apartment across the hall. It was unlocked because they were showing it to someone. When they walked in I woke up and said "this is a great place to live" and walked out
Margaritas just taste better when they're bigger than your head
Remember the time you puked your contact lens out?
Heyyyy, naked guy in your kitchen, can i ask you a quick question about a legal situation in pb??
I broke my wrist trying to give him a blow job...
And this is why we can’t have nice things
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