My underwear smells like fireworks.
Last night you told her she was rocking the beer gut. Still wondering why you have that black eye?
I wish I still had pics from the prostitute I paid/dated
Wedding cake is always the best dance partner. In the corner. With a jack and coke. And while I'm crying. Listening to "Almost Paradise".
They want me to get them some X for there wedding present. I'm on the way to get it now
drunk her ninja stole one of the pizzas as it arrived and hid all of the pieces in a cereal box in the fridge.Genius.
I think I should just accept my destiny that I'm going to be someone's second wife
My tits sealed my fate
the last thing I heard was you screaming as the rodeo team herded you to the next party
Life isn't about who you kiss, drunk, at midnight. It's who you text nonsense to, sober, from the toilet.
I just had a flashback to the three of us in the bed and me shouting AM I THE BIGGEST OR LITTLEST SPOON?!
I feel awkward giving career advice while naked
He's going to wonder why I have burn marks on my asshole
can you please not set my house on fire for once???
Last thing I remember I was riding on a picnic table being hauled around by a lawn mower with an empty case of bud light on my head...
She’s either doing coke or thinks my cock has the Covid vaccine. Either way I haven’t worn clothes in 3 days
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