the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
I just found glass in my funny face pancakes, there's nothing funny about that.
either she doesn't know how to dress properly on a sunday morning stroll, or I just saw a 60 year old on a walk of shame
I thought it couldn't get worse until she said "Nipple hair"
i think the beer goggles wore off after hearing the story of her 2nd abortion
I am definitely the only sober one on this train. And the only one not wearing a business suit. Wow, Monday Korea.
just peed in rthe mens room but seranaeded them with adelle the whole timee so they didnt mind
The dopest dose you'll ever dose. I felt like an octopus all of thursday
One day, tell me please to stop buying shots when I'm overwhelmed. I might have just broken a tooth
That number that I thought was that dude's number...was actually my district manager's number. Fuckkkk.
I don't want to ruin date night, but you have no idea how hard it is to poop whilst looking at cute puppies.
Watching the Walking Dead, snuggled up naked, and drinking a beer. No better way.
If ever there was a tweet to describe your life, it's this.
We had sex on the playground and then walked around his neighborhood grading houses based on their Christmas decorations
I wish I could say this wasn't the first time I shit myself in a Piggly Wiggly.
I didn’t not spend thanksgiving morning making out with him in a diner parking lot
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