Halloween 2010: the NuvaRing girls. You're Thursday. We'll walk into the party chanting "Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday, Friday, Saturday, Sunday, Everydaaay".
"Does your mom know how big your cock is?" Worst dirty talk I've ever had.
You came out of the bathroom, said "I'M DRUNK BUT I REMEMBERED TO WASH MY HANDS!" and then insisted that she smell them.
Well were gunna have to wash the couch cover now...maybe even the couch, soap or fire your decision
After we were finished she said "That was like marriage sex". Should I take that as a compliment or insult?
pretty sure 5 days for a bachelor party in Vegas is too long when even the stripper giving me a lapdance says "wow that's a long time!"
I'm sure we could go all project runway on our diapers and create some flattering absorbent thongs. We could do it on the Boat. Call it project rumway.
We made a pact to go to the nursing home together... that way we could stay high till the bitter end. Do you not remember?
Woke up with an e-cig stuck in my asshole. Explain.
A homeless man just offered me vodka. The power it took to deny it deserves an award.
my brother has friends over and I can hear one of them screaming from the basement "BREATHE. FILL YOUR LUNGS. LIVE YOUR LIFE." and it sounds like he's doing some motivational speaking down there but that's actually just how he encourages ppl to take bong hits
are you listening to the theme from Jurassic Park whilst pooping?
Like I thought me shitting my pants was bad today... Then the election happened.
Oh also we fucked while one of the old Rudolph movies was playing on tv so it was festive
Why do my weekends always degenerate into using my little brothers childrens board games for drinking games?
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