every time i drive by the road she lives on, i scream in the car "i'm sorry i'm sleeping with your boyfriend!" makes me feel less whore-y.
me and my sister are feeding my dog poprocks. this is proof you don't need a lot of money to have fun.
I found a knife in my bed when I got back this morning. I think one of my roommates has it in for me
the only plus side is that now I'll be able to tell my son not to trust the condoms that his college gives away..........
it's kinda bad that we're already planning travel arrangements to his funeral
dude, apparently i tried to force feed my grandma bananas last night.
She's laying here with her head in my lap stoned, eating Doritos, whining about her boyfriend, and listening to Cher. Fuck the friend zone.
So then you challenged the bartender to an arm wrestling contest for a free bottle of vodka
Sweet. Did I win?
Youre hungover arent you?
I sat down next to him and my bra just unhooked itself
I think I left my chapstick at your house when I tried using your penis as a catapult and flung it on the floor. Be a dear, and try to see if you can find it.
How are you not embarrassed to know me. I'm a mess right now. I'm a walking, talking tornado of embarrassment
I know, it's just the worst. Also, security almost took the burrito I brought for lunch. I thought I was going to have to pull a Liz Lemon and eat the whole thing before I could go through.
But like now I know, men who are vegetarians are significantly worse in bed.
Please don't try and hook up with one of your high school teacher's friends
that was the most beautifully crafted sentence ive ever read that involved the phrase "genitals or whatever"
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