The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
I think I'm maturing; i was gonna watch porn and then take a nap but i motivated myself to put my laundry in first.
Having him eat chocolate out of you is not as romantic as it sounds. I'm still finding pieces.
I sat down with you and helped you write your will last night. I was THAT convinced that you weren't waking up.
Found a bar with a washer and dryer and they serve food. I never have to leave
Imagine that my comprehension level is that of a 7 year old and explain your plan again
You told your mom that it was your second day sober. I think she believed it until you jumped off the balcony
Just because he told you it was safe doesn't mean you should have licked it.
There was a point where you were singing "Friends in Low Places" to yourself while Juicy J was playing so I got worried.
Ever the responsible adult, I just realized that today is the Obamacare deadline, but I'm too high to handle insurance now.
Just made a diving catch to save a handle of Fireball falling out of the car. ESPN worthy.
She is 6 months pregnant and gets more action at bars than I do.
Eating pizza in the bath tub while watching a romantic comedy alone. I reached a new level of single.
Idk she seemed really innocent until she snorted that line of vicodin
You were up on table in a neon bra chanting "YOUR MOM" while drizzling vodka on your chest...
no wonder i woke up with my boobs stuck to my bra
Randomize
