I just left the house and 2 chicks are in the kitchen making breakfast. Might want to get up.
I'm up, no shirt, and staring at a breakfast casserole. Who are these girls?
my boss said she was surprised to see me this morning. i told her there's a time in a girls life she has to give up day drinking in order to make money for next weekend's alcohol. she looked so proud, i think i might get a raise.
She was adopted and used to dance at Sapphire. just my speed.
I forgot how few teeth there are in this state...
Just got a birthday card from Camel. How am I supposed to stop smoking when they care?
I was so high that i was talking shit about a girl I was with via text, and I handed the phone to her so she could type the shit I was trying to say.
And a psychic told me I was pregnant and I am just so over life right now.
i climbed out of the bath tub this morning and found him taped to the treadmill
Pregaming before going to drink with a girl from Russia. Please make sure I'm not dead in the morning.
That is NOT what pussyfooting around means. Try that again with your toe and I break it off.
I lost my vibrator temporarily and for some unknown reason my first thought was that you might have stolen it. But then I realized you would never do that because you know it keeps me from killing people. But I am overtired and lacking in faith.
Sending out old nude selfies with the message "#tbt"
To this day, I regret not having sex in the bathroom
I can't masturbate without laughing really hard at some point and it's entirely your fault.
He got punched in the face last night? By who? I’ll invite him to our formal. Seriously.
Randomize
