Fyi I let myself into your place, I'm wearing some of your clothes in your bed. Come take them off
He asked to "fluff my boner.."
Sitting in the library lobby in the middle of exam week. Drunk. Dressed as santas slutty helper. Waiting for the student shuttle service. People are clapping for me as they walk by. Tell me how this isnt college
Did you know the Dallas Cowboy cheerleaders have an exercise show ON Demand? Yeah, I had a lonely night
so I got guilt tripped into giving her a new years kiss, and she proceeded to try and eat my face while mounting me. when you give a mouse a cookie...
Stop selling my mother weed! She's annoying as hell when she's stoned.
you just kept yelling NO BUENO SENOR at the cashier and throwing coins at him, of course you were going to get kicked out of the grocery store
no seriously, she's legit pissed i'm late to lunch because i was watching full house. there's obviously no future here.
I knew as soon as I saw that pole that I was going to wake up the next morning with bruises.
If it was designed to hold water, it was designer to hold wine
If you do wifi you would be helping my penis out & real friends care about their friends penises...
PUT YOUR FRESHLY SHAVED MEXICAN POON ON THAT BEARD. NOW.
I hate to stick you with the friend but I did all the work.
I feel like I just did it with Buster from Arrested Development. Taking a shower. #winefail
my roommate had drunk sex above me in our bunk bed and then built me a fort to apologize the next day
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