Her brother is deaf.
no wonder she was so good with her hands
Well.. considering he unknowingly dated a prostitute, I consider myself the winner in that break up.
I puked in the revolving door and had to sit down on the escalator. That hungover. It's safe to say people are judging me.
his mom cheated on his dad so i think he has a weird freudian thing for whores
You know it's nice having a girlfriend who will lotion your balls for you
Date idea: we should go to the store and buy all the different kinds of Lay's and eat them all
Muscle is literally tearing itself off of my shins. No I am not going on another bar crawl with you.
I'll pay?
Pick me up at 9.
I, soberly, gave myself a concussion trying to take a pic of my vagina. Fuck you and your hangover.
There is a doctor sitting next to me at lunch talking about the engorged scrotum surgery he did this morning and I am about to lose my professional grown adult facade.
Homophobes nationwide are huddled in their bunkers tonight and I can't stop giggling. Could be the wine.
...Just this whole adulting thing gets in the way of mermaid drag shows at lesbian bars.
I only wore my thong with cheeseburgers on it because I thought we'd have sex. So I basically wasted my best thong for nothing.
Chili is not acceptable fuck buddy food.
I had Mac n cheese made with weed butter last night. Epic
They want a bedroom just for their cats. And you thought we were gay.
Randomize
