Wow.. I was doing a mental check of my bank balance & I literally just said to myself: 'I have 27 dollars and a bottle of tequila til tuesday-ill be fine'
Well for starters i'm drinking vodka out of a bell pepper.
my mom just told me how she used to love having sex while stoned. wtf.
Nailed a drunk college girl before the CU game Saturday, and a drunk married woman after the Broncos game Sunday.
Some perfection is debatable.
The crowing achievement of my life is still the time I made a 3 course meal out of things I found in the dumpster.
god is playing jersey shore on new years on purpose. he wants me to play drinking games and die. i wish he knew how serious this is.
Talk me down man. Writing a paper drunk and about to buy Celine Dion's greatest hits.
Hahahaha you would not believe what I just pulled out of my vagina. Actually you probably wouldn't be surprised.
Succesfully slept on the roof at work for 3.5 hours without getting caught. I need a promotion
Now back to adults eating hotdogs.
What made this night legendary was getting pulled over for looking suspicious while wearing an iron man mask
HOW IS IT EARTHLY POSSIBLE TO DO THAT MUCH DAMAGE WITH JUST MY THUMBS?? HOW???
Topenga is going to be back on TV. Finally my fantasy of her being a milf in junior high has come full circle.
Just try not to burn your pubes off with sparklers this year.
No promises
Is it bad I'm drunk at orientation
You've been there for 12 hours, what are you supposed to be doing
Not be drunk
Randomize
