You just compared our sex life to a seven year old kid.
you definitely have a few illegitimate kids
probs. Not too worried about it though. MOst girls are too embarrassed that they let me into their pants that they'll never admit its mine
Ive never seen someone more dtf than a soaking wet drunk girl who stumbles into your backyard.
you threw up in the bushes next to the ABC store and kept saying "you're home, blueberry vodka, you're home!"
Am I the only one creeped out by the guy asleep behind our couch?
mom just made me 'sorry-you-have-hpv-pancakes'
Didn't I tell you I have developed a shameless theory about farting anywhere and everywhere? I'm too pretty so no one suspects me.
I'm going on a valentine's date with the random guy i hooked up with in the bar bathroom this weekend...i feel like julia roberts
i get drunk faster, i spend less money on food, and i'm losing a shit ton of weight. depression and its pills are doing wonders for me
i could have been the DD. this is ridiculous. i'm the most sober and getting the least ass.
I wish my bank account would intervene on my life choices.. $200+ in alcohol in 2 weeks and a $40 McDonald's bill is a cry for help.
Some girl just ordered Chinese delivery to her therapy appointment...
dude I don't even care if I'm getting catfished the point is I'm going to get laid. hot bitch, fat bitch, skanky bitch, i don't care my penis is having an adventure tonight regardless
I like to make sure they know it's casual by giving then a high five after sex
Only you would try street racing in a Volvo.
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