my vag is so smooth its legendary
I just pooped in his toilet and didn't flush...I desperately need to get him past the girls don't poop phase.
we were frolicking through a fountain of pizza rolls. it was like the best dream i ever had
i think i should save myself the $200 for a prom dress. i mean why bother. its just going to be covered in vodka/jizz/and puke by the end of the night.
But guess what. I'm gonna roll over and go to sleep cuz there's no cuddling in phone sex.
Seriously just heard: "we need some good ass wine. how bout this swa-vig-non blank"
hahahaha. Oh virginia: where the south begins
It's only 8pm and Karl already got a stripper fired.
I don't know ur idea of a good first date but I'm pretty sure it shouldn't include him holding my hair while I puke in the street
No. I'm laying on the floor naked. I almost made it to the shower
This could be the definition of living by yourself
He just walked up to me in the kitchen, pulled out his penis and stuck it in my sweatpants pocket.
It was probably cold. Sweatpants pockets are notoriously warm.
Seriously, this apartment is covered in body glitter. This chick musta been a huuuuuge slut. How do you get it across every surface?
Do you have any forwarding contact info?
According to the boxer briefs I found on the couch when I got home, I take it your date went well??
He snorted adderall on my table. I have a feeling he's not trying to buy me flowers
The number of threesomes I have agreed to seems to increase every time I talk to you drunk...
I just had a dream that I was fighting Donald Trump... Gotta stop watching the news before bed
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