Why don't you ever send me any naked pics
I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
i think i am going to devote my summer to making my cats internet celebrities
At CVS buying just condoms. The guy behind me is buying just hotdog buns. There was a silent moment of understanding between us.
Was just told that I was slipped 2 hits of acid in my in flight drink before takeoff. 8 hours to Germany wish me luck
Girl your like that last load of laundry... I'll do you eventually just not tonight.
My office already closed tomorrow. I'm bout to get drunk and build a muh fuckin fort. I shall call it "Fort Fuck You, Sandy, You Fuckin Bitch"
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
my vagina hasn't met your boyfriend yet ... makes me sad
Just set out 2 water bottles as an offering to my hungover self.
11/10 would buy him a McLobster
You told your family you're bi over the phone?!
We were talking about exes and it just came out....and so did I.
One less thong to worry about.
One less *thing! But probably that too.
...hi
YOU SHOULD BE ASHAMED OF YOURSELF
Ok cool I was afraid you'd never speak to me again. I can work with this.
Last time he showed up for Christmas he went on and on about backpacking somewhere and getting ghonnorreah twice.
Randomize
