OMG Im so trashed fishy! im sitting hereon my bed wif mcdonalds n i look like david hasselhoff!!!!!! kill me now
I just bought Christian paraphenilia at Borders for my dad's bday. I had the urge to tell them it wasn't mine, like I was buying laxatives or a dildo
Hahahaha. You probably would have been more comfortable buying either of those than what you just bought
why would she cut her hair? she needs all the distractions possible from those texas-sized gums and horse teeth.
FYI don't ever, ever get a lap dance from a stripper who says " she's having a bad day " at a bachelor party.
Saw the college gyno today. It has now been medically confirmed that I have a perfect vagina.
he asked you how you felt and you yelled "I FEEL SO PROACTIVE!" and started coloring with sharpies
I didn't scare your mother by showing up on the roof, did I?
It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
I'm beginning to think the only reason I get laid anymore is girls are fantasizing sleeping with my dad...
STD scares really help you understand the whole six degrees of separation thing...
pretty sure I just got a "sorry I have a new boyfriend" blow job. Confused, but totally ok with it.
I woke up in a tutu and topless. How was your night?
I have to make calls today at work. So I'm gonna call your phone and leave some random messages. Just delete them.
So now your dad has seen my tits. You could have told me he was coming by to help paint.
I didn't think you'd be painting the kitchen topless.
I couldn't find a shirt I was willing to ruin.
It was like Lady and the Tramp, but just tramp and the tramp. And instead of spaghetti and meatballs, we had whiskey and cups
Randomize
