so when am I gonna get some from you?
when you dick grows 3 inches
so when I got there he was dressed as jesus in a recliner drinking whiskey out of the bottle watching spanish porn. Then kept shouting dont judge me or ill judge you. we didn't even go to a halloween party.
like semen in my mouth is absolutely disgusting but i'd still like to experience it
my mothers day present is going to be not puking at the table during brunch
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My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
Some drunk guy thought my knee scooter was the sexiest thing he's ever seen. He then proceeded to ask me about duck hunting and decoys...
Woke up in time for my 8:15
Good for you I'm impressed
I realized 10 minutes in it was a class from last semester
He gave me a beer, petted my head, and called me kiddo.
His cat must have been laying on his dick, because now my face is covered in hives
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Your ability to whip out your dick and take a pic anytime I text you is startling.
If last night was a preview of 2015, I quit.
I give all credit to my lucky thong, there's never a time I haven't gotten laid while wearing it
he drank half a bottle of bushmills, stood up to pee over the side, pissed his pants, sat in the puddle on the deck, told me my life goals were stupid and impossible, and wouldn't leave until 5am. by the time I got up at 8 I had 4 texts and 2 fb messages from him. AND HE STILL THINKS IT WENT WELL
well my apartment and my life are still a disaster but I did clean off my desk so that's gotta count for something...
Like sometimes I’ll be hangry but for dick
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