Can't talk. I'm at the Tulsa Sheriff's office with a bunch of rednecks. I bet I'm the only one that voted for Obama.
I bet you're the only one who could read the ballott.
The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
I really hope I'm not the first person who's had to wash vomit off of cash and credit cards.
Just desperately used the "it's a boy" cigar I saved from my\nnephews birth to roll a blunt
And on top of all this... he just told me to "chill my nips."
he texted me at 3am asking for "one of my famous blowjobs"
Nobody has seen her in 3 days. Should we call the cops or hope this is just another drunk Carmen San Diego game she's playing?
Did you mean to cry when you finished last night? Or were you just that drunk?
I realized last night, I never talk dirty in German during sex. How much wasted potential is that?
I woke up sick this morning, maybe sucking a random dudes finger at a bar last night wasn't that clean of an idea.....
I woke up on the floor with 2 cartons of cigarettes, a box of chocolate bars, and a business card for a man named Larry. Don't remember him, but if the Rols on his card is his, I might throw him a mouth party...
Hey, remember that time a week ago when we walk-of-shamed literally down the Vegas Strip at 8:45am and I had one broken heel?
The kid with the ed hardy shirt put a bunch of random shit in the washer and turned it on. example: a hanger, the movie Chocolate with Johnny Depp, and your mom's cat
Well it was okay until he pinned my arms over my head and I found the loaded pistol tucked behind the bed... THIS IS WHY WE DON'T FUCK BOYS IN MONTANA ANYMORE
Randomize
