My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
they had a keg party to fund her abortion.
this is the second time this week i got a blowjob from a crying girl.
There was a community pot of Ramen, and if you were in the pool you were either fully clothes or ass naked.
dude you need a shock collar for some of the things you say when you're drunk.
I was thrown in the air atleast 3 times by baby jesus
It took too long for people to come up with things in "never have i ever" so we had to change it to "Don't judge me but.."
Sad fact: I'm doing that thing where I'm bored so I give myself Princess Leia hair and drink alcohol.
Idk I've been drinking all day and they're having me blow shit up. Like dont let the drunk chick play with fire and explosives. Common sense 101. I will fuck something up
i think the realest test of our friendship is how hot your sister looks right now
Have you ever been so high that you felt like corduroy? I'm at that level.
Today some guy at work told me I had the nicest hair he's ever seen and my response was "thanks I grew it myself". This is why I'm single.
It's not a hangover, it's "slept on a couch with another person and said person moves a lot and is loud"
Fuck your bullshit loser kid and his gluten allergy.
Randomize
