just found out my horoscope sign is scales. it's like i was destined to be a drug dealer
His dick was as big as my arm. Giving him a handjob was like giving someone an Indian sunburn.
I decided to buy a keg of Miller Lite instead of paying the electric bill. Just thought I'd give you a heads up...
This is one of those times where I really wish my vagina could tell me what happened last night.
Well, I convinced myself I had a sixth toe and then I ripped it off. So I PRAY you're doing better than me.
Dicks are so weird. He has kind of a feminine comforter in the background.
Please tell me those naked pics were not your mom. Lie if you have to.
Watching Rudolph while stoned is practically a religious experience.
There's a Taco Bell quesadilla in my shower caddy right now.
my brother has friends over and I can hear one of them screaming from the basement "BREATHE. FILL YOUR LUNGS. LIVE YOUR LIFE." and it sounds like he's doing some motivational speaking down there but that's actually just how he encourages ppl to take bong hits
I wasn't even hungover I was just mourning my dignity
I just want you to make me second guess my worth as a human. Is that too much to ask?
These morning walks of shame have became my morning jogs
I forgot wine drunk hurts
I made her pull the car over 5 times to puke because she was going to fast, apparently she was only going 30mph...
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