at 4 in the morning i heated a family sized mac n cheese for a minute and decided to eat it frozen cuz I didn't wanna wait for that long
gin and tonic in a mug. no limes so im using canned madarin oragnes. classy or trashy?
homeless.
You were scared that your teeth were shrinking so you stuck your fist in your mouth. then you were convinced your hand was growing cuz it got stuck so yu started crying
This is the guy who showed up to the first day of class with a 24 pack of coke and a handle of rum in his backpack. He doesnt play by normal people rules.
#1 benefit of having an equality sticker on my car: some girl flashed me while i was driving home
I can't believe he let me cut his hair as stoned as I was.. I think I even cut my own hair too
You told me to remind you that the bruise on your ass is from when you danced on the table at Ziggy's, saw a cop and tried to 'fly away'.
In between rounds of sex, you stopped and did drunken handstand push-ups.
Is it bad juju to glue mini budda to the bottom of a shot glass
Well shove his head down there and tell him not to stop til we have a new president!
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
I came in like 30 seconds, and my dog got to watch me take the walk of shame to the bathroom to clean up. All in all, not my best performance.
YOU RAISED A SWORD OVER YOUR HEAD AND SCREAMED AT HIM WHAT THE FUCK ELSE DID YOU THINK WOULD HAPPEN?!
I need a job that does not involve working with people who wear animal costumes when they get fucked.
she has no right to get mad at us for drinking during the wedding. she's the one that chose the bridesmaid dresses with pockets.
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