chick flicks and taylor swift songs are like porn for desperate singles
I'm not a pervert.. I just like to be naked...
When the officer tried to stop you, you just shouted your name in his face. repeatedly.
My mom woke me up in a bubble bath this morning.
i wasn't about to bring her gummy handcuffs to her father's funeral
remind me not to fuck anymore half bald 20 year olds. because obviously there's attachment issues
If we ever start off with margaritas for breakfast and end up naked covered in olive oil...I could think of worse ways to spend a day.
He ran into the room yelling "attack! Attack!", jumped on top of me on the air mattress, popped the air mattress, and then we had victory sex, because he was proud of popping it.
KNEE DEEP IN HOES. SEND HELP.
I tried to order champagne at IHOP last night
I seriously doubt this is the first time pumpkin pie has led to a booty call.
As much as my throat was opened up this weekend, you'd think I wouldn't nearly choke on a damn almond.
Also I'd apologize for texting you flipping my shit about the science of hair growth while I was shrooming last night but we know each other better than that
We are literally scheduling phone sex... if that's not long distance af then i don't know what is
Your Vodka Saturday privileges have been reduced to Beer until you go a full month without losing an article of clothing.
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