I felt like helen keller
But she could have totally found that shit before me
Thanks again for letting me crash last nite. Sorry I banged your little brother.
apparently i tried to put my coat in the microwave.
You were so drunk you tried to sell your salsa to everyone on the restaurant.
last night was the icing on my 3 week vodka binge cake
she's bipolar. she literally has TWO facebook pages. one for each personality. this. bitch. is. crazy.
Too many people are naked here for this to be normal.
Only you would get a date out of getting hit by a car
I woke up to find his roommate face down on the couch with no pants on, with a sticky note that said "was lost but now am found"
I woke up with flowers, a tiara & pasta salad in my bed. Tequila makes me act like a fat Disney princess
Look. I've got things to do today.. Will you hurry up and come over so I can give you some head and get my day started already
Outside
The horniest man in the world doesn't want sex as bad as I want pizza right now.
I don't know how Dave is alive, I feel like he's been drinking since I met him.
I can't tell if my roommate is crying or having sex and the fact that there's anime in the background is only making this more confusing
I swear my vagina needs to be taken away from me when I drink.
Randomize
