I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
Her gay brother kept hitting on me and cockblocking me. Don't even begin to tell me how bad your night was.
It's Christmas week. I wouldn't know what to do if i wasn't hung over.
i had to get the starbucks manager to open the bathroom door for me...you passed out on the floor, the things i do for you
It's what America was founded on: former hookups referring you for a job four years later.
I accidentally peed all over the couch. It's safe to say I'm not welcome at that house anymore
And, through a series of unfortunate events, I am at my grandmothers birthday party in a short dress and no underwear
i wasnt laughing because you were puking, i was laughing because three yards away there was a couple seriously getting it on
continuing my moment killer tradition in the best possible way
You puked on the bar then proceeded to walk out. I told the bartender some girl walked up, puked and left and he gave me a free drink. Hope you got home safe.
it was like fucking a Mumford & Sons song
I feel horrible. I brought her to your house like a late night pizza delivery and dropped her off.
You told me you were with a dog dressed as a taco, and it was the only one you trusted
We're currently sharing pics of our cats. I can't wait to sit on her face.
we're at the bar celebrating my ex bootycall getting his new gf pregnant... and me narrowly escaping a future as kitty foreman
Drugs and unwanted pregnancies are the only things that I'm good at. College comes in at a close third.
Randomize
