I'm in the mood to be taken advantage of ;-)
the best thing about tacos is after you shit them all out you feel like to have room for your dignity to come back
woke up in my one night stand's bed and barfed all over her floor. she came back from the bathroom, looked at the vomit, looked at me and said "normally i'd tell you to clean it and get the fuck out, but i remember the sex was good, so i'll let it go." Score.
She asked me why I was wearing a Batman Suit. Have I ever needed a reason to wear a Batman Suit?
There are not enough shots in the world for this. We walked in and they shouted "the pilgrims are here!" And then someone handed me a turkey leg the size of my arm.
It's such a good feeling to send those "I'm not in jail" texts on Sunday morning
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
Thanks for letting me in last night. I was drunkenly sleepwalking.
Walked in the bathroom at work and my boss was taking a shit with the stall wide open and responded "oh yeah, I forgot you never have been to prison "
I'm honestly considering asking her if I can eat her out, as a friend.
I just want a boyfriend who will have sex to Disney Pandora.
Lets just say I tried to pinky promise the cop... So I was fucked up.
Not only did she fulfill a life long dream of mine of banging in a library, she bought me subway for lunch. I feel like I got the best gold star ever today.
I'll just go on tinder. Seeking strong male to help take apart ikea furniture and move. I'll touch your dick.
I'm sitting here listening to fat joe and doing kegels I have given up
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