Fun fact: when I ripped off my wristband, I punched myself in the face. Rad
The only thing the cop asked me is..... "how are you still alive"?
You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."
Best pick-up line ever!
that's what penises do
they tell lies.
I somehow ended up with a bottle of red wine in one hand and white in the other and would drink them at the same time. Ruined
Well I could just do a roadtrip and hit them all. Slut tour 2012.
I feel like when purchasing hard liquor on a Monday I also need to buy a happy 21st bday card to not seem so pathetic
My night can be summed up in 3 words: Vodka. Threesomes. Hospital.
Listen, unless you want to spend your birthday in a trunk, you better invite me
you went to ralph's and bought all of their pears and left them outside my house
Ladies don't puke and tell
God is tempting me with everything tonight. Brownies and dick, mostly.
MY HISTORY TEACHER IS FUCKING MY MOTHER. I am downstairs and i can hear the squeak of the bedsprings please I swear to god pick me up THIS INSTANT.
After the 2nd person threw up, you told us that your 'mint shooters' were just shots of mint mouthwash
its official, you're fucking me on my lunch break. the only thing I want in my mouth is your dick. pick me up at noon.
want fries with that?
Randomize
